Journey with me, if you will, to a sunny beach, where I am climbing to the top of a lifeguard stand to replace a co-worker. Generic greetings are exchanged, and then a conversation unfolds:
Guard: So when do you leave for Syracuse?
James: I won't be going back to New York until January since I'm going to be in London this semester.
Guard: That's right. So do you speak French well?
James: Uh, no. I took Spanish in school.
Guard: I suppose lots of people speak English anyway.
[long pause]
James: Yeah.
[The guard begins to climb down from the chair]
James: Where exactly do you think London is?
[The guard freezes.]
Guard: Uhhhh, it's not in France?
James: London is the capital of England.
Guard: Oh. They speak English there. What was I thinking of?
James: Paris?
Guard: Paris!
Anyway, I'm going to London soon. I'll be posting more often, I hope.
Showing posts with label lifeguarding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lifeguarding. Show all posts
2007-08-04
2006-07-11
2006-07-08
Blood but no guts (thankfully)
I started my day at work at Chair 3, and upon climbing to the top I found myself surrounded by dried blood, tufts of fur, and piles of feces. I can only guess that an owl deemed the guard-stand to be an ideal place for its nocturnal nibblings, which as an abstract idea has a decided appeal to guy who did his fifth-grade animal report on great-horned owls. The reality, however, was quite a different thing, especially for a guy who passed on every science-class dissection except (ironically) the owl pellet. Shredded remains or not, I'm glad to be working in the middle of a nature reserve. Of course, getting to watch a mother duck leading her seven ducklings across the pond a few nights a week certainly helps to offset the occasional unpleasantness.
2006-06-03
Guns and love disastrous (five illuminations)
(I)
I'm sitting on Chair 1, guarding a moderately busy beach during an uneventful three o'clock safety brake when the boy approaches me. He's four years old.
Are you a lifeguard? he asks.
I am, I answer.
Do you have to be able to swim?
I have to be able to swim a whole mile!
Do you like being a lifeguard?
I do. Does he want to be a lifeguard when he's older?
He answers without the faintest hint of a smile. No. FBI agent. He reveals a squirt gun which has been tucked into the back of his swim trunks. Holding it in the air he turns and runs.
(II)
The water is cool and clear early in the day, but with the strong June sunshine and a frenzy of activity it becomes warm and cloudy by midafternoon. As the sun sinks, it becomes a calm place, even a private place if only up to a foot below the surface. But those deeper areas are enough, and occasionally we lifeguards must remind lusty young couples that the beach is a family-friendly facility—that is to say it is a place meant for the raising of existing children, not the making of new ones. What percentage of copulating couples do we catch? Who knows. We occasionally learn of some incidents only from patrons more observant or simply closer to the action than we are. Sometimes such reports come from children, but, thankfully, their own innocence protects them when we fail. We were displeased, if not exactly alarmed, this evening when a child told us of a couple in the water "kissing and fighting."
(III)
The boys were in the shallow end, pointing their fingers at each other in the manner that has allowed children to engage in bloodless gunbattles for generations. Perhaps these fellows of ten and twelve weren't armed with the plastic facsimiles that have supplanted the fingers and the imagination for this most recent generations, but the older of the two had certainly acquired a modern, gory idea of gunbattles. While "Bang! You're dead!" sufficed for Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang, who were no doubt raised on nearly bloodless war movies like "Kelly's Heroes," which dispatches dozens (hundreds?) of Nazis without a single bullet wound. This boy spoke in a manner more fitting of young Marvin's demise in Pulp Fiction. His younger duelist was quieter, so I heard only one side of the imaginary showdown:
"I shot you!"
"I killed you!"
At this point the boy's mother cried, "John!"
"I shot your head off!"
"John!"
"I blew your face off!"
"John! Don't talk like that!"
(IV)
I'm riding along Weaver Lake Road, on my way to Claire's house (she's back from the jungle), and I'm gaining fast on young couple walking side-by-side down the center of the path. I shout my customary bicycle on your left, and the girl (who I see is no more than sixteen) casts look over her shoulder. She starts to move to the right, and realizing that her male companion has not heard she begins to pull him towards her. Feeling her tug, he turns to her for a kiss, but she pulls him past her, and he takes a stumbling step onto the grass, evidently perplexed until I fly past.
(V)
A hundred yards farther down the road I come to a stop at a red light. I cast a glance around the intersection and see a large black SUV with windows proclaiming in fingerpaint JUST MARRIED. Inside the groom is at the wheel talking animatedly. The bride is gazing out the passenger side window with a look of resignedness. The light turns green, the bride blows me a kiss, and we ride on.
I'm sitting on Chair 1, guarding a moderately busy beach during an uneventful three o'clock safety brake when the boy approaches me. He's four years old.
Are you a lifeguard? he asks.
I am, I answer.
Do you have to be able to swim?
I have to be able to swim a whole mile!
Do you like being a lifeguard?
I do. Does he want to be a lifeguard when he's older?
He answers without the faintest hint of a smile. No. FBI agent. He reveals a squirt gun which has been tucked into the back of his swim trunks. Holding it in the air he turns and runs.
(II)
The water is cool and clear early in the day, but with the strong June sunshine and a frenzy of activity it becomes warm and cloudy by midafternoon. As the sun sinks, it becomes a calm place, even a private place if only up to a foot below the surface. But those deeper areas are enough, and occasionally we lifeguards must remind lusty young couples that the beach is a family-friendly facility—that is to say it is a place meant for the raising of existing children, not the making of new ones. What percentage of copulating couples do we catch? Who knows. We occasionally learn of some incidents only from patrons more observant or simply closer to the action than we are. Sometimes such reports come from children, but, thankfully, their own innocence protects them when we fail. We were displeased, if not exactly alarmed, this evening when a child told us of a couple in the water "kissing and fighting."
(III)
The boys were in the shallow end, pointing their fingers at each other in the manner that has allowed children to engage in bloodless gunbattles for generations. Perhaps these fellows of ten and twelve weren't armed with the plastic facsimiles that have supplanted the fingers and the imagination for this most recent generations, but the older of the two had certainly acquired a modern, gory idea of gunbattles. While "Bang! You're dead!" sufficed for Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang, who were no doubt raised on nearly bloodless war movies like "Kelly's Heroes," which dispatches dozens (hundreds?) of Nazis without a single bullet wound. This boy spoke in a manner more fitting of young Marvin's demise in Pulp Fiction. His younger duelist was quieter, so I heard only one side of the imaginary showdown:
"I shot you!"
"I killed you!"
At this point the boy's mother cried, "John!"
"I shot your head off!"
"John!"
"I blew your face off!"
"John! Don't talk like that!"
(IV)
I'm riding along Weaver Lake Road, on my way to Claire's house (she's back from the jungle), and I'm gaining fast on young couple walking side-by-side down the center of the path. I shout my customary bicycle on your left, and the girl (who I see is no more than sixteen) casts look over her shoulder. She starts to move to the right, and realizing that her male companion has not heard she begins to pull him towards her. Feeling her tug, he turns to her for a kiss, but she pulls him past her, and he takes a stumbling step onto the grass, evidently perplexed until I fly past.
(V)
A hundred yards farther down the road I come to a stop at a red light. I cast a glance around the intersection and see a large black SUV with windows proclaiming in fingerpaint JUST MARRIED. Inside the groom is at the wheel talking animatedly. The bride is gazing out the passenger side window with a look of resignedness. The light turns green, the bride blows me a kiss, and we ride on.
2005-10-31
Resuscitation Recitation
The CPR class turned out to be a mildly unpleasant experience. This year it was quite obvious that I would have been better off with a simple challenge instead of the full-length class. Unfortunately, timing did not permit such an option, so I was stuck for the day. While I was able to get out an hour early due to the small class size, it was painfully obvious that we could have spared ourselves at least another hour if our instructor hadn't gone off topic for ten or fifteen minutes at a time. Jennifer is in her second marriage, and she should have married this guy the first time. He's a former Marine (not an ex-Marine; don't ever call a former Marine an ex-Marine because, as they say, once a Marine, always a Marine) because he blew out both knees in service. One of the students in our class is also a former Marine, currently in the Army Reserve, fresh back from Iraq. She turned to him to back up all her stories about how great Marines are, and while I think he was flattered at first, he quickly grew as impatient as I was. She didn't help her case by continually talking about her own heath problems to the other middle-aged women. These problems include a hysterectomy, the hormone therapy resulting from the hysterectomy, her upcoming gastric-bypass to help her deal with her obesity that resulted from the hormone therapy, her cesarean sections, and her fused wrist, which forced her retirement from teaching music.
On the plus side, I was passed the written exam with 100% correct, and no one else was more than half-done with their exam by the time I left. I also got to take some longer walks on what turned out to be a very nice day because the bus schedule was not at all aligned with my own schedule, and I'm glad for it.
On the plus side, I was passed the written exam with 100% correct, and no one else was more than half-done with their exam by the time I left. I also got to take some longer walks on what turned out to be a very nice day because the bus schedule was not at all aligned with my own schedule, and I'm glad for it.
2005-10-30
Crosses
On Thursday our class toured the construction site of the new Church of the Holy Cross, which was designed by the firm of our building systems professor. It was chilly, but I enjoyed walking around the machinery and exploring the partially erected structure. Additionally, I got to break it my Wisconsin Badgers hard hat, which I recently ordered from TeamOnTop.com.
Tomorrow I go to the local American Red Cross chapter for another all day CPR training session to get renewed for another year.
Tomorrow I go to the local American Red Cross chapter for another all day CPR training session to get renewed for another year.
2005-07-17
Which opposite of quick?
Both the Elm Creek swim pond and the Maple Grove Community Center pool are frequented by a number of mentally disabled persons. Wading in the water is apparently an exciting and enjoyable activity for many of them. In some ways I think they get to have more fun than anyone, since they retain a child-like enthusiasm for such a simple pleasure even after they are large enough to take advantage of the deeper water. Sometimes they require some extra patience, but usually I find them to make enjoyable patrons since due to their obvious joy.
Today I was in the men's bathroom applying sunscreen before work started, and I had the place to myself. I looked up and saw a man approaching my very slowly. His age was difficult to guess, and his face was disfigured. His crooked mouth gaped open, and one brow was enlarged to the point where he seemed to be limited to sight from the eye on the opposite side. He walked with a limp, his arms stretched out in front of him. I wasn't sure if I should move out of his way or stay still to make navigation easier for him. I decided to stay still, but just as the man neared me, another man, similarly disfigured, entered the room, walking in an identical manner. I was suddenly struck by their similarity to zombies of films. Their lifeless gaze, clumsy gait, and outstretched arms made them dead ringers for the walking dead.
And for just a moment - no more than a single second - I was afraid. I told myself that I was being ridiculous, but my immediate follow-up thought was, maybe that's what all the people in the movies tell themselves. But, of course, my instant of fear was silly, and I was glad it did not prompt me to act. The first man only brushed my shoulder with his arm, and I realized as he passed me that he was merely sticking to the right wall in order to navigate the room. I watched to make sure both men made it to the toilets, and then I departed into the summer sun.
Today I was in the men's bathroom applying sunscreen before work started, and I had the place to myself. I looked up and saw a man approaching my very slowly. His age was difficult to guess, and his face was disfigured. His crooked mouth gaped open, and one brow was enlarged to the point where he seemed to be limited to sight from the eye on the opposite side. He walked with a limp, his arms stretched out in front of him. I wasn't sure if I should move out of his way or stay still to make navigation easier for him. I decided to stay still, but just as the man neared me, another man, similarly disfigured, entered the room, walking in an identical manner. I was suddenly struck by their similarity to zombies of films. Their lifeless gaze, clumsy gait, and outstretched arms made them dead ringers for the walking dead.
And for just a moment - no more than a single second - I was afraid. I told myself that I was being ridiculous, but my immediate follow-up thought was, maybe that's what all the people in the movies tell themselves. But, of course, my instant of fear was silly, and I was glad it did not prompt me to act. The first man only brushed my shoulder with his arm, and I realized as he passed me that he was merely sticking to the right wall in order to navigate the room. I watched to make sure both men made it to the toilets, and then I departed into the summer sun.
2005-06-12
Changes
Today marked my first full day of work as a lifeguard at the Elm Creek Park Reserve swim pond (which is generally far more pleasant than my job at the Maple Grove Community Center pool). I also learned that I will be living with a fellow named Jared London next year. I was given a phone number; I'm hoping I can call him sometime this week.
2004-09-28
CPR for the Professional Rescuer
I've just returned from the Badger Chapter American Red Cross, where I recertified in CPR for the Professional Rescuer. It was a small class and we burned through the skills tests by combining all the scenarios that we could into three long ones (adult, child, infant), thus avoiding repeating the very basics ("check the scene to see if it is safe") over and over. I have an in-the-water skills test on Wednesday to renew my 3-year lifeguard certification. It's hard to believe it's been that long. It's also hard to believe that the certification I earned for CPR/AED in May is completely redundant now. I couldn't have avoided it, but I sure wouldn't mind having the money back.
2004-05-02
CPR/AED for the Professional Rescuer
I attended a 9-hour class today, and I am now Red Cross certified in CPR and AED for the Professional Rescuer. I'm tired. On a more pleasant note, I met fellow Langdonite Rachel on the way back, and had a most excellent dinner with her at the Towers. If only the food had been as enjoyable as the company.
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